School Holidays (a snapshot of the day I’m about to have)

Yes, it’s the first day of School Holidays over here, so let me just get a few things out of the way.

1.  Your child has to be between 6 and 12 years old for that activity.  No, 5 doesn’t count.  That’s why we said 6.  Because they have to be able to read and write and pour chemicals, that’s why.  For safety.  No, 5 doesn’t count.  Neither does 4.

2.  The bathrooms (they say toilets here, which I will never get used to) are across the foyer, set into the red wall.  See that white door?  That’s them.

3.  I’m sorry, guys, but we’re not allowed to have food or drink in the exhibition spaces.  No, they won’t tell you in the cafe, because A) they want to sell you food and B) they are not mind readers and probably do not know that you are incapable of functioning without coffee.

4.  Where are your parents.  Let me guess, are they among the 2/3 of the parent population I can see from where I’m standing that are using their frigging iPhones instead of interacting with their children?  Go tell them that you can’t be in here without your parents supervision, then explain to them what supervision is.  maybe have them look it up.  I’m sure there’s an app for that.

5.  I’m sorry, the Planetarium/Lightning Room show has already started, and we can’t let people in once it has begun.  No, unfortunately we can’t offer refunds either.  Where does it say that?  See on your ticket how it says ‘No Late Entry’ and ‘Refunds Will Not Be Granted’.  There.

6.  Perhaps you thought we closed at 5, but that doesn’t make it a fact.  We close at 4:30.  You clearly also ‘thought’, if I may be so bold to presume you capable of thinking something through, that instead of calling us, emailing us or checking the website to see when we closed, you’d just show up at 4:21 and hope for the best.  Good plan.

7.  Ma’am?  Are you with this little one?  I’m sorry, but she’s got to keep her shoes on while she’s in the Museum?  Because we’re still trying to pretend we live in a 1st World country, that’s why.  Maybe you and you clan wander around Kmart without shoes and without shirts, yelling across the store at each other when you get into a disagreement about which type of motor oil to be buying, but you’ve got to keep your shoes on in here.

8.  I’m sorry, Sir, we don’t have baby nappies that you can borrow.  No, we don’t have prams you can rent.  No, there isn’t a shuttle from the Museum to the Train Station.  No, we don’t have extra shoes or hats.  Did you know you were leaving the house today, or did you just wake up and discover some trans-dimensional portal had deposited you at a Science Museum?

9.  I’m sorry guys, you still can’t eat in here.  For the same reasons as before.

10.  You got a parking ticket because you parked on the grass.  After you jumped the curb.  And you blocked in three other cars.  And it looks like you might have scraped the building, a little, while you were at it.  No, the Museum won’t pay for your ticket.  No, the Museum won’t pay for the damage.  No, we don’t have spare shoes.


6 responses to “School Holidays (a snapshot of the day I’m about to have)

  • Thoraiya


    I love this post.

    You know, for a while, as a kid, I wanted to work in that museum. Bones! Bits of dead animals! Shiny rocks! Educational graphics! I can draw!

    But there’s just so many PEOPLE everywhere, how did I not realise that every job is full of people??

    When I decided to be a vet, that decision was all about “working with animals” – little did I know it was actually about interacting with clients, who are people!

    Being an author, that’s supposed to be about making up stories, right?

    No way. It’s about your customers. Your readers. THE PEOPLE!

    There is no escape from PEOPLE.

    Be strong, forge onwards!

  • Helen Venn

    Just think about the image bathrooms in a public building create for the rest of the world. We see the users stripping off and settling in for a good soak. Bearing in mind it is bathROOM, I have to assume we each get our own private room where we can splash to our heart’s content. Mind boggling, no.

  • christophergreen

    @ Thoraiya – You are correct, as usual, I’ve just been too wiped out by the School Holidays to acknowledge it…

    @Helen – I see your point, but when people ask for the ‘toilet’ I get a weird image of a big porcelain toilet bowl, sans lockable door, standing out in the middle of a room. 🙂

  • Helen Venn

    You may have scarred me for life with that image..

  • Tiffany

    I wish we were allowed to say some of those things. You can get away with some of it because you have an accent (while you’re in Australia).

    By the way, I asked for a bathroom once when I was in Washington and that’s exactly what I got – a bathroom without a toilet. I had to go back out and ask for the toilet, got a blank look so I tried a third time and asked for the ‘restroom’. Success!

  • Sara (Nez's pimp)

    It’s funny because I know you actually say those things to customers. And it’s funny because, well, you obviously need a new job! Maybe manager at Scienceworks P.S Explorer Club here I come! ha 😛

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