Seriously. Oh my God. Lost in Space is painful to watch. I swear, this show is proof that everyone in the ’60s was higher than a kite. That’s got to be the only explanation that this show lasted three seasons. It boggles the mind. And, the show’s an hour long! Okay, granted, maybe it was interesting back when everyone was sitting around in caves chewing raw smilodon, or whatever, but even then, you’ve got to wonder.
Case in point: an episode entitled “Wish Upon A Star”. Will (in his ever pleated space trousers and trendy V-neck) finds a “thought machine” in an abandoned spaceship. Turns out, this week our random object makes whatever you wish real. So, everybody wishes to no longer be lost in space, right? A merciful end to the series?
Nope. Everybody fights over whose turn it is, and they wish for crap like a dress, new tape recordings, etc. Good call, guys! Dr. Smith even manages to annoy the machine in to summoning its real owner, a guy made of sandstone who appears to be wearing a trendy black minidress (and it fits a lot better than the dowdy one Penny wished for). Commence ten minutes of the Dr. camping it up, the monster shambling after him, and we’re done.
I hope they remake the movie again. Here, I’ll help.
Don: Dr. Smith! You bastard! You totally sabotaged us, and now we’re like, lost in space!
Dr. Smith : Lost? In space? Nonsense! Double nonsense! Why, we’re not lost. We know exactly where we are. Don’t we, John?
*The screen shakes as they crash land on a planet with breathable atmosphere, no harsh weather conditions, and a nearby star that will provide day and night and not fry them to a cinder, because if they had to use exo-suits, you couldn’t see how well Mrs. Robinson kept the pleat in all those trousers.)
Dr. Smith: Why, we’ve crashed landed. Let’s go look for a wacky plot point. I’m sure the writers left one out there for us. Don’t look too hard, though. It’d be a shame if we found next week’s one, too!
Mrs. Robinson: *Pulls out a space gun and shoots Dr. Smith in the head*
Will: What’d you do that for, Mom?
Mrs. Robinson: Because I don’t think we want to keep pretending, week after week, that we all forgot Dr. Smith’s previous antics. He’ll just wander around, making deals with aliens and finding dangerous artifacts. Besides, Penny’s already getting stalked by Don, and your father and I can’t turn a blind eye to any more than that. I can’t bear to watch Dr. Smith leer at us any longer.
Will: Okay. Hey, look, a thought machine! I wish we were all back on Earth!