Alright, ground rules. If we’re going to talk Zombies, we’re going to have to get a few things straight. Here’s my 10 commandments of Zombiehood
- Zombies deserve a capital Z. That’s how you show how badass they are.
- Slow Zombies are lame. They are not scary. Maybe they were, way back when, I’m not sure because I wasn’t there. What I can say, without any doubt in my heart, is that for a guy brought up on First Person Shooters, movies with ever-increasing body counts, and a government who shows gun camera footage during their frigging press conferences, a bunch of shamblers is not a threat. Overwhelming numbers be damned, if you don’t have enough bullets to take care of that sort of thing, your movie/book may well be already running for the Mayor of Snoreville. Fast Zombies = threat. Yeah, yeah, Cold War Berlin Wall slow Zombie political undertones blah blah blah. I’ll walk away from your undertone ridden Zombies, firing a gun in one hand and eating a ham sandwich in the other, Alanis Morisette style. I’m all for social commentary, but slow Zombies are begging for a headshot.
- Zombie novels are HARD. Nameless adversaries and uncertain conditions of infection/invasion make for a lot of writers to go the “Oh my god he’s bitten and we didn’t even know it” route. Such things are no fun, at least not to me. Keeping it new, when the enemy doesn’t do a lot of new things, is what kills a lot of these movies/books. King knows this, and so do a few others.
- I’m going to write one, and I won’t even care if it sucks. It’ll be fun, and that’s all that matters. If I like it, maybe others will too. Thatt’s a good place to start, at least.
- Rob Zombie is a god, and White Zombie was his flesh-lined, rib-spoked, bone chariot.
- Will Smith’s I Am Legend was, I am certain, shot as a decent movie with one interesting idea that could have worked. It was then watered down until it was made of nothing other than water. Two great specfic stories in a row, Will, ruined. You rock.
- Diary of the Dead is lame.
- The first 20 minutes of a good Zombie movie is always the best, but sadly, almost always the same.
- A shopping mall is not the only place a small group of survivors can fortify.
- If a person is not infected, that makes them a good person, who you will automatically include in your group, despite your limited resources and the fact that group dynamics amongst people who hardly know each other in a stressful environment, right? After all, if the Zombies didn’t get them, it stands to reason that they must be the best person to move forward with in the new world you’re inevitably going to forge. Correct?
Any thoughts? This is just me revving myself up to write something different, so arguments/rants/insults are always welcome.